” Dear my Jaan e mun,
By the moment you start reading this I hope you are already sitting comfortably on the passenger seat of your flight back to your hometown, Islamabad, Pakistan. Remember the night you told me you had doubts about flying to Indonesia and that you were struggling with the fear towards all the shitty unexpected things that awaited for you there? Well, this time, I want you to feel all convenient and relaxed that you’re finally heading back to where you’re from, while you are slowly opening this huge jar filled by a bunch of things that’s about to take your emotions towards the up and down roller coaster kind of experience. Don’t fear it, just enjoy it.
How about we start off by reminiscing a bit about the memories of day 1 where we met for the first time at the Soekarno-Hatta international airport. You were all grumpy because, shit, this supposely translator of yours didn’t come pick you up on time. She made you wait for an hour or so. I mean look at you, wearing kurta and jeans, tall dude with thick beard, looking all charming, indicating that he’s a decent, powerful, well-educated man from Pakistan whose level is so much higher than supposely the rest of the people who participated in this project. Screw that bitch, for making the precious time of this young vain man go to waste, right? Oh well. The first day in this fucking depressingly humid country didn’t go to well I suppose. I tried to take you out that night to enjoy some indonesian street food for the first time and you were basically looking all cold, tired and not very interested in anything at all, not even my presence there as your buddy. I thought, okay, he’s not quite like the guy I was texting with before his arrival.. but maybe he’s just tired due to the long boring exhausting flight? Maybe he’d be a lot nicer after some decent rest? And damn, okay he doesn’t want to be touched by the opposite gender, how are we both gonna work together for the next 6 weeks? What if I accidentally touch him at one point, shit, it’d be super awkward. Is he like gonna hate me or something for that? Alright snap out of it Claire, don’t overthink, it’s gonna be fine. I kept telling myself that regarding the first impression of yours.
But hey remember that one night where we had an actual “talk” for the first time at the front porch? When I was just starting to open up a bit about myself and kinda starting to let you in. I was really surprised about how different you were compared to that day 1 full of grumpiness. This time, you were such a great and genuine listener, with your curious eyes occassionally staring deeply into mine, as if they stated something like “I’d like to know a deeper part of yourself that nobody has ever discovered before”.
I could just tell that the warmth vibe you had with you that night is the exact same vibe of the guy’s I was texting with earlier before his arrival here in Indonesia. Finally he’s here. I was strangely relived and happy, and I knew for sure what you said was gonna be true “I get the feeling like we’re gonna be good friends”.
And look at us now, I love you so much my precious Pakistani friend.
More days have beent spent here in Jakarta, by us, you and me, together. The more we discovered new things about each other, the more I like you. I am amazed by your strong faith towards yourself and commitment, for you are very eager and capable at convincing others to have some faith in themselves as well – how you convinced me about how much potential I got and that I should never let it go to waste. Nobody has ever believed in me this much I think, in such a way you always reminded me every single day that I should not overthink abut the mistakes and weird shits I had done in the past, cause every morning when I wake up I always have the chance to change into a better vesion of me anyway.
The magical thing is that you reminded me a lot about a part of me back in the past, the old caring, happy, sincere, optimistic, full of positivity Claire. The girl that had been long long gone. But you see.. the more time I spent with you, the more pieces of that old me started coming back gradually without me realizing it. I want you to know that what you’ve done is amazingly noble. It’s not an easy thing to do to see through such a hidden potential in a very damaged person like you did to me – to succeed at bringing that old pieces back again. I have always wondered where did that happy little girl go, I have always missed her from time to time and now I can see a bit reflection of hers again when I take a look at the mirror. It’s very heart-warming and that’s all because of you. I’d like to thank you for that.
You once told me what your main personal goal for coming to Indonesia is. I mean I believe that everything is possible, however at that very moment I had a doubt that you would be able to succeed at realizing it, I have always had the doubts from time to time these past 6 weeks, but look at me now, I am still trying, I will never give up at improving myself like you’d want me to. All the things you have taught me, I will always cherish it and do my best at applying them all in my daily basis. Sweetheart, you did bring such a significant influence on me. And I’m deeply grateful for that.
Damn, I’m going to miss all your nangging. All the “Tell me something interesting”, “Talk to me”, “Say something”, “Tell me something cool”. I’m gonna miss you telling me to reduce smoking, drinking, messing around and do more praying and taking a better care of myself. Also the “Don’t forget to pray and listen to some ayatul kursi”. The “You have a choice in life. Consider something and see the greater good behind your decision”. I’m gonna miss laying my head down your shoulder and lap, and have your big hands and long fingers stroke my head and run through my hair gently. I’m gonna miss holding your hand and experience this emotion where I mumbled to myself “This feels so right” every single time I had your fingers wrapped around mine.
Remember that day when we were sitting on the swings at RPTRA playground? I kept asking you to say something nice about me and that I was gonna record it, and then these kids just surrounded us wanting to take a picture and blubbering stuff like “He’s handsome, she’s beautiful. You both would make a great couple”, and we were like staring at each other “Oh kids, you have no idea”. And the fact that you keep telling me not to scratch myself when I struggle with itchiness due to the mosquito bites. When you decided to shave your precious beard for the sake of me cutting my nails so I wouldn’t leave marks again on my skin when I scratch hard. Oh and that first kiss we had at the OC’s room where rasyiqa was sitting across the room feeling all miserable because we were just too lovey dovey around her. That moment when bruce walked in the room while we were spooning on your bed, he then awkwardly shouted “OH SORRY, SORRY!!” and left right away. We just laughed our asses off. Every single time you went to get me a glass of water either when I asked for it ot not. Our first date at the restaurant next door, you bought me a pack of cigs and in return you’d want me to pray somewhere that week. I will never forget the rainy afternoon where we were sitting at the back porch the day before you left, we were overwhelmed by too much emotions that we both filled the moment with silly laughter and miserable tears.
I will fucking cherish all of these memories forever. I am so grateful I made the decision to stay over that last night, so I could fall asleep in your arms one more time and wake up to your face again in the morning. Kissing each other in the middle of our sleepy states. I’m gonna miss all of those gentle, rough, passionate kisses, warm hugs, comforting cuddles and tight embraces of yours. I will never forget that last time I kissed you in the cold blue drizzling evening too. Please do embrace all these memories in your heart and mind despite the fact that our physical distance would be growing so much larger now.
Thanks a lot for the lovely bed sheets, and every stuff you have given to me. I will always remember your scent everytime I sleep in them every night.
One day you bump into someone, a simple “hello” is said, and the next thing you see is a bridge which starts to be constructed between the two of you. For some inexplicable reason you’d feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else, as the time goes by you may even feel like you’re closer to them compared to your own family. Perhaps because this person carries an angel within’ them, whom god has sent to you for some particular purpose – it’s either to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you gotta do is trust them. Even if they might come hand in hand with packs full of gory hardships and sufferings besides the pleasures and bliss. After all, the reason for their presence will become perspicuous in due time.
Though here is a word of warning: You may grow to love this person but remember that they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn’t to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this mission is fulfilled, the “hello” will be then replaced by “goodbye” and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.
Frankly, to me letting people in and trusting them is quite a challenging thing to do. Life has taught me to be skeptical about everyone’s intentions, for there might be a gazillion unexpected motives behind their actions. Once that person has gained the whole trust from you, sooner or later you’d get to this point where you’ll be changed a little during the process as they walk out of the door – they would also take away parts of your willingness to let other people in, along with the parts of the trust you have for yourself. Those intangible things will never come back. At least that’s how it happens, from what I read. And I suppose that’s what kinda makes some people traumatized in experiencing this phase all over again. Not to mention that it’d hurt like a bitch when they rob those things away from your soul for the first time. Witnessing somebody who means the world to you leaving is one of the worst feelings ever. Promises are breaking. It’s basically the constant cycle that happens to everyone in this life. I know at some point it sucks. But then again, it’s the idea that everything happens for a reason – all over again.
So, if we’re now currently in the phase where the “Hello” is being replaced by the “Goodbye”, or perhaps “See you later”?
I’d like you to know that meeting you was definitely one the best things that has ever occurred to me – That’s just an absolute truth.
We built ourselves a very tough bridge as we grew up together throughout the 6 weeks. You kinda gave me “forever” through the numbered days. It wasn’t a very long run but I’ve got to admit that we had a good one – Now we’re kinda growing physically apart yeah that sucks, but who knows we might get another shot again some other time?
But It’s true that you happened to me for a reason. You taught me valuable things through all the hardships, struggles of the deep talks we’ve been into. You let me learn my lessons. This time I’m not gonna let myself drown, you made me realize that nobody could save me but my ownself. You’re the nutrient I needed for being the cocoon I was emerging from. For a long time, I had forgotten how it feels like to be this much contect and enough, until I met you. No this is true, this isn’t just a sweet talkey-walkey stuff even though it might sound like it is. Honey, you really are a great friend, brother, and lover anyone could ever ask for. You were like that fictional character I had been dreaming of my entire life. You made me believe in the things that were far beyond my imagination. You made me believe it again that I’m worthy enough to be loved and appreciated and that’s rare. And at least I’m no longer that girl who feels like she was born into the world just to taste the never ending defeat. I was pretty sure nobody would ever be able to do that but you broke the limit. It’s amazing that you’ve got it all, a vision from a pair of hearfelt eyes which were able to dive so deep through into the soul of mine. That’s all what it takes, to discover the forgotten beauty which has always been lingering in me all this time, a little dim light which had never been noticed by any eyesight in a long time – not even mine – but those sincere eyes of yours. To be brief, You’re a dream came true. Well I can only hope you feel the same way about me too.
And no, I don’t think the angel leaves your body as I’m watching your shadow fading away from my sight. You’re still that wingless angel whom god has sent to me. For the sake of heaven’s, god, you’re precious.
So as our journey together is coming to an end this time, I wish you enough still – enough happiness to keep your spirit alive, enough sun to keep your attitude bright, enough rain to appreciate the sun more, enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger, enough gain to satisfy your wanting, and enough loss to appreciate all that you possess. Please do keep doing what you’ve been doing, giving a significant impact on others, making the world a better place.
So here it goes again, I want you to always remember that you have changed me for the better. Your dedication, affection, love, time, attention, and perspectives towards world have taught me things that I will never receive from anybody in this universe. What I have with you, I will never have it with anybody else. It’s officially a once-life time experience and I’m thankful for the oppurtunity to experience this all with you. I bet you know I’m the type who mumbles during any progress. But I don’t want to stop growing. Thank you for helping me to grow, thank you for everything.
I’m sending you a blissful pray filled by so much love from a thousand miles away here in Tangerang, Indonesia.
See you again, Jaan e mun.
Love and kisses,
31st of August 2016. “